my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
