you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
