In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
