How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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