I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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