"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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