I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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