Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
