If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
