You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
