I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
