i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
