What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i drank out of a bidet.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
