just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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