a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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