If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
