She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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