Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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