lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
