I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Are we still banned from the library?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
