I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Randomize
