God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
