It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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