Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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