I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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