My liver just broke up with me...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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