you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
