i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.