I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.