I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.