Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
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When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob