hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
