she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
