everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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