I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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