my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
