Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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