omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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