guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
