I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
