I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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