did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
