wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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