I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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