i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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