I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
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There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
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I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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