I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
