my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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