i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
