I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
