He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
