Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
im calling her cock vulture from now on
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
