My friends, they love my intelligence
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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