I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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