i just wanna soil my oats bro
I want to have your abortion
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
