In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
