girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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